I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Randomize
