if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
