My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
