i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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