Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
