Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
