The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
