i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I need to align my fucking chakras
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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