Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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