im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
It's no shave November. This is our time.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
