Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
