they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
