You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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