I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
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