there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
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