Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
