Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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