Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
