I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
