I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
