maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
