Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
