I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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