Just fell off a train. Bad.
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
Dignity is for republicans.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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