I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
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