I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Randomize
