Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
