you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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