nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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