life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
