fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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