Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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