sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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