Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
