i wish starbucks made bloody marys
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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