it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
