omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
