Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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