guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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