My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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