My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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