im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
