I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
