Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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