I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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