toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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