Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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