I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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