Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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