What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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