I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Randomize
