um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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