I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
