just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
