Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
